Suicide

September is suicide prevention month.  This past September was extremely difficult to watch the posts through social media.  It angered me.  It is angering to listen to people constantly say things about how they would help, or how they would behave different if this person would just speak up.  After a person dies, whether they took their own life or another tragic reason, people always seems to act as though they would have done things different if they had only known.  How would we behave if we knew?  If we knew that someone we loved would be gone tomorrow, what would we do different?  The sad thing is, when it comes to suicide and mental illness, you wouldn't do anything different.  A person doesn't know WHAT to do.  How do you act when you know someone is suicidal?  Most likely, you don't take it serious.  Most likely, all those feelings that you feel after the fact, would not have been there beforehand.  People don't know what to do, or what to say.  Suicide is taboo for anyone that is not suicidal.  PLUS, what do you say or what do you do with a person that is this way?  It's hard to be a around a person like this and the truth is..... let me say this boldly for all those that might have someone in their life threatening such a tragic thing.  A PERSON WHO IS SUICIDAL WILL NOT AND I REPEAT WILL NOT THREATEN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A PERSON WHO IS TRULY SUICIDAL, WILL NOT TELL YOU IN ADVANCE!

So for all you people that have a manipulative and cunning person in your life who abuses you over and over again by threatening suicide, most likely, the threat is as far as it will go.

Why?  WHY doesn't a suicidal person speak up?  BECAUSE, clearly, that person feels alone.  That person feels so far from loved and cared about that why talk about it?   Talking about it will only solidify the loneliness we feel.  BECAUSE, people don't know what to do.  It's taboo, it's weird, it's uncomfortable.  Suicide prevention month is STUPID!  Let's quit having a month where we all pretend that we would be different if we only knew!!  There are suicidal people all around us and trust me, they are telling you.  They are telling you in the best way they know how.

Depression

You think you get tired of being around a depressed person? Imagine how it feels to be that depressed person?  I get tired of myself, only thing is, I can't escape me.  If you have a depressed friend you can just avoid being around them while they're in their funk, if you love some one with depression you can avoid them when you can and turn your cheek the other times.  But the depressed, the depressed person?  They can't escape it.  They can't escape the constant negativity.  It's awful!  Being trapped in my body is like having to constantly be with that depressed/negative friend.  There is no escape.

Depression feels like having a sad song on repeat in your mind.  It feels like someone close to you just died and you have to live in that low place 24/7.  

Can you even imagine if you had to deal with a loved one dying on a daily basis?  It would be hell.  News Flash...Depression is Hell.

One might wonder why someone would take their life, especially if you belong to a religion.  Murder is the worst sin right?  Taking your own life is murdering yourself.  I mean sure, we don't really know the judgement on these individuals, but we have to wonder.  If you take your life is it an automatic sentence to Hell?  Why would someone damn themselves like that?  I'll tell you why...

Living with depression is living in Hell.  Therefore, a person that has lived in Hell for probably what feels like their lifetime, taking your life and living in more Hell isn't much different.  At least Hell itself will be a different Hell.  You won't be stressed about finances, you won't have to worry about being thin, you don't have the pressures of mortality.  You get to escape the pressures that are only adding to your already depressed feelings and you get to just live in your depressed feelings.  HELL, to a depressed person, sounds like relief.

Yes, Hell is REAL! Hell is here, Hell is a state of mind and it is real and it exists.  

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream
I dreamed

I really don't know life, at all

Selfish

Sometimes I just want to be selfish.  A person would feel grateful and blessed to have family that loves them, right?  Yet, sometimes I wish I were alone in this world, I wish I were alone so my decisions wouldn't effect anyone.  I just want to  live my life running or not living life at all.  I have these three people who depend on me completely.  Instead of loving that thought, I despise it.  I hate that there are people directly effected by my choices. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so level headed.  Sure, I do live in "crazy" a lot, but I also have the sane part of me that pulls me back.  If I was 100% crazy I wouldn't be held accountable right? Shoot, I don't think it works like that either.

I am such a depressing person to be around.  Why can't I just climb into bed and be depressed?  Why can't I just cut my body up or ingest something to relieve me.  You might say "well, none of those things will bring happiness" and I will argue "not doing those things isn't bringing me happiness either, so I might as well escape the pain".

I'm a failure.  It has been the pattern through out my life so I don't know why any one is surprised.  Ugh... the pressure.  Too much pressure.  I'm flat out miserable right now ok. I'm miserable and as vain, selfish, and idiotic it may sound, "I'd rather be dead than be in my body right now."  I'm so sick of mortality.  You know that saying that says "we aren't humans being having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  Well, my spirit is having a crappy human experience and desires to go back to the realm I came from. I'm not fit for this earth.

UGH!!  AAAAAAAAA!!  I can't even express those thoughts to any one, no, because even my damn thoughts hurt people.


Here is my theme song.  The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, until I get there of course!

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again 

Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone...

Ed and I

I really wanted to come out of the treatment center cured or at least in its path.  I can't even see recovery on the map right now. 

Driving home from work was this conversation

Ed: "You would be better off dead than be in that "fat" body" 

Me: "that is the craziest talk, how could You be so vain?"

Ed: "you are disgusting, what kind of quality of life is this?" 

Me: "you're right I'm so disgusting, I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear."

Ed: "yes, distance yourself from your family, wallow in your pain."

Me: "ok"

Addiction

Addiction is truly evil. It feels like being possessed by the devil. You behave in the most selfish ways. You do things that are completely opposite of your true desires. You have this part of yourself that you are enslaved to. Actually? It's not even a part of yourself, it's this separate entity that seems to have taken over. Like a parasite, it has unwelcomly come into your body and using you as its host. It's a possession of the devil. It's cunning and evil and you know it and yet can't seem to get away from its entangling grasp.