Different

I feel like I'm different than the average person. There is a gaping hole that eats me away inside. Day after day I struggle just to be alive, just live a normal happy life.  I don't know why life is so hard for me.  I sit here and I look around me and I have so much to be grateful for.  I have everything. I have a home, a loving husband, I have children, we have a job that pays our bills and a dog that I love.  Yet, I still have this hole, this void that torments me and brings me down.  I don't know what it is, why it possesses me and what it wants. I don't know how to fill it. I have a sensitive nature, I see people.  I see sadness. I can hardly verbalize what I'm trying to say, but there is something different about my spirit inside me.

I can empathize with the addicts that OD or the people that go on to take their lives.  I understand why Robin Williams did it. I understand why some people can never pull their lives together. I understand because I am one of them.  There is something different about us. A connection that goes deeper than this life.

I am an addict. I am a slave to my physical body. I feel so selfish and self absorbed.  I have people that love me, that count on me and I can't quit to save my life.

I thought age would heal me. I thought maturity was the answer to all my problems.  Now I am going on 30 and worse than ever.

God save me, because I can't.