it's been awhile

I haven't been posting lately, maybe because I feel ashamed.  I had so much hope going into treatment.  I really had a hope it was my answer.  I hoped I would leave a different person.  Even my mom felt that way, she even promised my kids they would come home to a different mom.  Making completely unrealistic statements.


So here I am, I'm not better or different than the day I checked into the Center for Change.  I am still the same Kim with the same Brain.

My thoughts today are this....

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I truly believe the church I belong to is the true Church on the earth today.

I am sure every person who belongs to a church feels that way about theirs, otherwise why would they still attend??  But, that is MY belief.  I have been to other churches and the spirit is not the same.  I have had internal spiritual witness that I believe in the correct church..

That being said....

I am a member of the LDS church, I have been baptized and received an endowment into this religion.  I have made promises and covenants with GOD that I would keep these, if I don't, well than he is not forced to keep his promises to ME..

Yet, here I am.  I am offending him on a daily basis, I am breaking covenants on a daily basis.

I know with all that I am, with every fiber of my being that I am doing wrong.

I have a hope though, it might be a foolish one at least, but I have a hope that he understands.  I hope he understands what I'm fighting and why I openly disobey him.

Here is my prayer....

Dear Father in Heaven,

I am sinning, I am a sinner.  I'm wicked and I don't deserve to even to talk to thee, but here I am.  I am sorry for my sins, I am SO SO SORRY, I don't want to be this way.  I know the truth Father, I know what I'm up against.  I know my Fate.  I don't need your forgiveness, I don't need your pardon.  I just want you to know that I am sorry.  I am sorry that I continue to go against what I know.  I want to be your disciple,  I want to be a tool in your hands, I want to be your servant,  I really really want to and I just want you to know what my heart feels.  I'm sorry for my actions, I'm sorry I'm a wicked child.  I love you Father and I'm so sorry.

Love,
your disobedient child,
Kim