Sunday, February 14, 2016
Recovery Day 1 Eve
Recovery day one begins tomorrow! I'm scared, nervous, excited, ready, scared, worried, stressed, excited... Scared of near days ahead of the pain and discomfort my body is about to go through. Hoping with drawls won't be too bad from alcohol!! A month ago I went two days and felt ok, but I think I've drank every single day for 6 weeks and possibly close to everyday since August. It could be scary, but hopefully not. Mostly it will be the discomfort from not purging. I already go through major discomfort just keeping down one meal. Besides the extreme belly pain, I get very nauseated and flat out ill. Then besides the discomfort my body feels when eating, I also have discomfort from NOT eating. My belly inflates like a balloon and it is OH so painful. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I wonder if my organs will truly be able to repair themselves. I'm hoping my vocal chords and repair themselves as well. I'm excited for my skin to clear up from getting the nourishment my body needs. Curious if I will put on pounds from eating or lose pounds from not drinking any more. The unknown of recovery from an eating disorder is exciting and scary. It could start very bad, but the outcome is sure to be worth it! Maybe I'll have to look at myself like I'm going through a pregnancy. Yes, I might gain weight, I might swell up like a balloon. My clothes might not fit for awhile. I might feel very uncomfortable and find it hard to sleep. When it is all over the gift will be worth it and chances are my belly will go down and my clothes will fit again. To be honest, I am happy to have this happen to me in a place where I don't feel like I have a husband to impress. I may just let certain things go, like shaving :) Well, Goodnight world. I'm soon to be very disconnected and though I will probably also with drawl from that, I know when the with drawls are gone it will feel GREAT!
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Embarrassed
That picture is just hilarious to me!
Okay, on a serious note. I'm feeling so embarrassed of myself to go be around skinny anorexics. Even just the check in process and having to be weighed in. What if I've gained five lbs since throwing my scale out? I just have so much shame. I know my thinking is nuts, but it still feels so real.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
The Seventh Decision of Success
I will persist without exception
Knowing that I have already made changes in my life that will last forever, today I insert the final piece of the puzzle. I possess the greatest power ever bestowed upon mankind, the power of choice. Today, I choose to persist without exception. No longer will I live in a dimension of distraction, my focus blown hither and yon like a leaf on a blustery day. I know the outcome I desire. I hold fast to my dreams. I stay the course. I do not quit.
I will persist without exception. I will continue despite exhaustion.
I acknowledge that most people quit when exhaustion sets in. I am not "most people". I am stronger than most people. Average people accept exhaustion as a matter of course. I do not. Average people compare themselves with other people. That is why they are average. I compare myself to my potential. I am not average. I see exhaustion as a precursor to victory.
How long must a child try to walk before he actually does so? Do I not have more strength than a child? More understanding? More desire? How long must I work to succeed before I actually do so? A child would never ask the question, for the answer does not matter. By persisting without exception, my outcome--my success--is assured.
I will persist without exception. I focus on results.
To achieve the results I desire, it is not even necessary that I enjoy the process. It is only important that I continue the process with my eyes on the outcome. An athlete does not enjoy the pain of training; an athlete enjoys the results of having trained. A young falcon is pushed from the next, afraid and tumbling from a cliff. The pain of learning to fly cannot be an enjoyable experience, but the anguish of learning to fly is quickly forgotten as the falcon soars to the heavens.
A sailor who fearfully watches stormy seas lash his vessel will always steer an unproductive course. But a wise and experienced captain keeps his eye firmly fixed upon the lighthouse. He knows that by guiding his ship directly to a specific point, the time spent in discomfort is lessened. And by keeping his eye on the light, there never exists one second of discouragement. My light, my harbor, my future is within sight!
I will persist without exception. I am a person of great faith.
In Jeremiah, my Creator declares, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." From this day forward, I will claim a faith in the certainty of my future. Too much of my life has been spent doubting my beliefs and believing my doubts. No More! I have faith in my future. I do not look left or right. I look forward. I can only persist.
For me, faith will always be a sounder guide than reason because reason can only go so far. Faith has NO limits. I will expect miracles in my life because faith produces them every day. I will believe in the future that I do not see. That is faith. And the reward of this faith is to see the future that I believed.
I will continue despite exhaustion. I focus on results. I am a person of great faith. I will persist without exception!
The Traveler's Gift
2002
Andy Andrews
Knowing that I have already made changes in my life that will last forever, today I insert the final piece of the puzzle. I possess the greatest power ever bestowed upon mankind, the power of choice. Today, I choose to persist without exception. No longer will I live in a dimension of distraction, my focus blown hither and yon like a leaf on a blustery day. I know the outcome I desire. I hold fast to my dreams. I stay the course. I do not quit.
I will persist without exception. I will continue despite exhaustion.
I acknowledge that most people quit when exhaustion sets in. I am not "most people". I am stronger than most people. Average people accept exhaustion as a matter of course. I do not. Average people compare themselves with other people. That is why they are average. I compare myself to my potential. I am not average. I see exhaustion as a precursor to victory.
How long must a child try to walk before he actually does so? Do I not have more strength than a child? More understanding? More desire? How long must I work to succeed before I actually do so? A child would never ask the question, for the answer does not matter. By persisting without exception, my outcome--my success--is assured.
I will persist without exception. I focus on results.
To achieve the results I desire, it is not even necessary that I enjoy the process. It is only important that I continue the process with my eyes on the outcome. An athlete does not enjoy the pain of training; an athlete enjoys the results of having trained. A young falcon is pushed from the next, afraid and tumbling from a cliff. The pain of learning to fly cannot be an enjoyable experience, but the anguish of learning to fly is quickly forgotten as the falcon soars to the heavens.
A sailor who fearfully watches stormy seas lash his vessel will always steer an unproductive course. But a wise and experienced captain keeps his eye firmly fixed upon the lighthouse. He knows that by guiding his ship directly to a specific point, the time spent in discomfort is lessened. And by keeping his eye on the light, there never exists one second of discouragement. My light, my harbor, my future is within sight!
I will persist without exception. I am a person of great faith.
In Jeremiah, my Creator declares, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." From this day forward, I will claim a faith in the certainty of my future. Too much of my life has been spent doubting my beliefs and believing my doubts. No More! I have faith in my future. I do not look left or right. I look forward. I can only persist.
For me, faith will always be a sounder guide than reason because reason can only go so far. Faith has NO limits. I will expect miracles in my life because faith produces them every day. I will believe in the future that I do not see. That is faith. And the reward of this faith is to see the future that I believed.
I will continue despite exhaustion. I focus on results. I am a person of great faith. I will persist without exception!
The Traveler's Gift
2002
Andy Andrews
The First Decision of Success
From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past. I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, fighter future of my own choosing.
Never again will I blame my parents, my spouse, my boss, or other employees for my present situation. Neither my education nor lack of one, my genetics, or the circumstantial eve and flow of everyday life will effect my future in a negative way. If I allow myself to blame these uncontrollable forces for my lack of success, I will be forever caught in a web of the past. I will look forward. I will not let my history control my destiny.
The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I am responsible for my success.
I am where I am today-mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--because of decisions I have made. My decisions have always been governed by my thinking. Therefore, I am where I am today--Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--because of how I think. Today I will begin a process of changing where I am --mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--by changing the way I think.
My thoughts will be constructive, never destructive. My mind will live in the solutions of the future. It will not dwell in the problems of the past. I will seek the association of those who are working and striving to bring about positive changes in the world. I will never seek comfort by associating with those who have decided to be comfortable.
When faced with opportunity to make a decision, I will make one. I understand that God did not put in my the ability to always make the right decision. He did, however, put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right. The rise and fall of my emotional tide will not deter me from my course. When I make a decision, I will stand behind it. My energy will go into making the decision. I will waste none on second thoughts. My life will not be an apology. It will be a statement.
The Buck stops here. I control my thoughts. I control my emotions.
In the future when I am tempted to ask the question "Why me?" I will immediately counter with the answer: "Why not me?" Challenges are gifts, opportunities to learn. Problems are the common thread running through the lives of great men and women. In times of adversity, I will not have a problem to deal with; I will have a choice to make. MY thoughts will be clear. I will make the right choice. Adversity is preparation for greatness. I will accept this preparation. Why me? Why not me? I will be prepared of something great!
I accept responsibility for my past. I control my thoughts, I control my emotions. I am responsible for my success.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE!
The Traveler's Gift
2002
Andy Andrews
Never again will I blame my parents, my spouse, my boss, or other employees for my present situation. Neither my education nor lack of one, my genetics, or the circumstantial eve and flow of everyday life will effect my future in a negative way. If I allow myself to blame these uncontrollable forces for my lack of success, I will be forever caught in a web of the past. I will look forward. I will not let my history control my destiny.
The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I am responsible for my success.
I am where I am today-mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--because of decisions I have made. My decisions have always been governed by my thinking. Therefore, I am where I am today--Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--because of how I think. Today I will begin a process of changing where I am --mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially--by changing the way I think.
My thoughts will be constructive, never destructive. My mind will live in the solutions of the future. It will not dwell in the problems of the past. I will seek the association of those who are working and striving to bring about positive changes in the world. I will never seek comfort by associating with those who have decided to be comfortable.
When faced with opportunity to make a decision, I will make one. I understand that God did not put in my the ability to always make the right decision. He did, however, put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right. The rise and fall of my emotional tide will not deter me from my course. When I make a decision, I will stand behind it. My energy will go into making the decision. I will waste none on second thoughts. My life will not be an apology. It will be a statement.
The Buck stops here. I control my thoughts. I control my emotions.
In the future when I am tempted to ask the question "Why me?" I will immediately counter with the answer: "Why not me?" Challenges are gifts, opportunities to learn. Problems are the common thread running through the lives of great men and women. In times of adversity, I will not have a problem to deal with; I will have a choice to make. MY thoughts will be clear. I will make the right choice. Adversity is preparation for greatness. I will accept this preparation. Why me? Why not me? I will be prepared of something great!
I accept responsibility for my past. I control my thoughts, I control my emotions. I am responsible for my success.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE!
The Traveler's Gift
2002
Andy Andrews
Fear of life
This is a common thing for me. The fear of waking up and my mind waking up with me. The fear of morning hunger and the need of food. Why do our bodies need food, I would feel so much better if I never got hungry! The worst part about an eating disorder is the inability to escape from the drug. It feels like an alcoholic who must have one drink to live, but needing enough control to stop at one. Telling a heroin junkie they must have a little heroin every day, but they're not allowed to get high from it.
What kind of cruel joke is this?
One of my favorites
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KESjPqpJ31o
Glorious
Written by Stephanie Mabey, Performed by Russ Dixon
There are times when you might feel aimless
And can’t see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It’s been there within you all along
And when you’re near it
You can almost hear it
It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
You will know how to let it ring out
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
You will know how to let it ring out
As you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It’s so amazing
What we’re all creating
It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
And as you feel, the notes build, you will see
It’s like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you’ll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it’s glorious
Friday, February 5, 2016
White knuckles
When you are holding on so tight your knuckles turn white. Fighting the urge to give in to addictions. Being so filled with boredom from a sober life. Feeling antsy yet lacking desire and motivation to do anything but hold on to resisting. Wishing I had something or somewhere I could go other than the dungeon I live. Waiting for the acceptable hour to drown the thoughts away.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
The Ugly Truth
First I want to say that I'm sorry that I have created a lifelong burden on my family. I hate that I am such a wreck and not the person I should be.
I need to get these secrets out of the closet. I need my family to know the life I secretly live.
I am an addict. I throw up my breakfast and lunch every day and often dinner. I spend every day fighting my own mind. I am a victim and a slave to my eating disorder. I simply can't avoid the constant compulsions that haunt me. I have come to a place where I feel like I would do anything to run away. I have good days, which just means I am in acceptance of what my life is. I also have bad days, where I just want it to end. When my head is draped over the toilet I pray that I can just have a heart attack and be done. A heart attack can be a result of bulimia. I sometimes drive through intersections just hoping I get t-boned and be done. Those are my bad days, which are not that extreme that often, but they do happen.
I reopened a can of worms for myself. I remembered how great it felt to take a substance and have life actually feel good. To take something and feel freed from the torment of an eating disorder. During these last two years of opening that can of worms, I have ventured into other things. I have taken anything I can get my hands on legally that could free me. This last year I have found that I could drink alcohol and not gain a million pounds like I feared. I drink once and awhile here and there. Somehow in the last 6 months or so my life has taken a significant turn for the worse. What went from once in awhile, went to a few times a week, to every day. I still felt okay about it because I felt like if drinking in the evening allows me freedom and keeps me here on earth, then I'll take it. Problem is, I'm an addict and addiction is progressive. I guess I have become an alcoholic.
Bulimia has haunted me going on 11-12 years now. I probably would have gotten this bad a long time ago had I realized there was a way to have relief "legally".
So, about a month ago I got really sick. I drank too much, I don't remember much that evening. I have many "black outs" from alcohol. I don't remember a lot of evenings. But this was the worse, because it happened quite early in the evening. My kids were still awake. I don't remember feeding them dinner. What I do remember is crawling out of my bathroom feeling so ill. Matix got me a bowl and a blanket. The kids covered me up and I passed out in my hallway. Chaz got home late that night. Chaz and I talked and he finally has had enough with my inability to control myself. He said I had to figure out how to pull myself together. We discussed a treatment center, but I don't know how that works and it scares me. It scares me to be away and I fear the financial aspect. I don't know how we will pay for it. I don't want to be away from the kids that long. I don't want to put a burden on mom who would probably have to take care of them. All of it freaks me out. So, the next day I thought to myself "I got this". "I can do this".
Oh and in case you are wondering; yes I do pray that Heavenly Father will help me not do these things. The prayers don't seem to work. One of the reasons I called out to him the other night asking if he really hears me. Because I have definitely felt alone when it comes to my struggles. Since bulimia came into my life, there has never been a feeling of relief from Heaven. I'm not sure what that all means.
I woke up and after again ridding my body of breakfast I realized that I can't do this. I can't kick this on my own. I've been trying for 10 years. Clearly I am powerless by myself, and I need more than prayer.
The rest of my story...
So I guess I am going to be embarking a journey of recovery. This is happening. I hope!! I'm checking into the possibility of residential treatment. SCARIEST IDEA EVER! I have to though. I just have to move on with my life.
Here are the sick thoughts that I currently have. Treatment? Sweet! That means I'll quit being bulimic and an alcoholic and I can be SKINNY again!! YES, I want to be SKINNY! Skinny, skinny, skinny! I look at pictures of recovering anorexics and my brain says "How sad, look how fat they are now." AHHHHHH!! I'm SO SO SO Sick.
The rest of my story...
I found calories and exercise and I found breastfeeding.(Could I breastfeed your child so it can burn calories effortlessly?) I began pregnancy weighing 126 lbs. I ended pregnancy at 149 lbs. Within 1 week post partum I weighed 120 lbs. In 6 months I was 97 lbs. It was pretty amazing. I had no chub to grab around my tummy. I had a figure I had never even seen in my life! I was actually healthy. I ate healthy and I ate enough. I was eating about 2200 calories a day.
Here are the sick thoughts that I currently have. Treatment? Sweet! That means I'll quit being bulimic and an alcoholic and I can be SKINNY again!! YES, I want to be SKINNY! Skinny, skinny, skinny! I look at pictures of recovering anorexics and my brain says "How sad, look how fat they are now." AHHHHHH!! I'm SO SO SO Sick.
The rest of my story...
I found calories and exercise and I found breastfeeding.(Could I breastfeed your child so it can burn calories effortlessly?) I began pregnancy weighing 126 lbs. I ended pregnancy at 149 lbs. Within 1 week post partum I weighed 120 lbs. In 6 months I was 97 lbs. It was pretty amazing. I had no chub to grab around my tummy. I had a figure I had never even seen in my life! I was actually healthy. I ate healthy and I ate enough. I was eating about 2200 calories a day.
I was obsessed with calories though. I was starving all the time. Here is an example of how irrational and obsessed I had become.
It was chaz's birthday, I had my day of calories already accounted for. I already knew exactly what I was going to be ordering at Texas Roadhouse and it was already in my food log. So we order our food and my dinner salad comes, except I didn't know my salad would have hard boiled egg on it! I didn't account for that egg in my food database. I was already at my days limit. I could pick off the whites, but the egg yolk crumbles were stuck on my lettuce! I started bawling. I ruined Chaz's birthday dinner over some egg yolk crumbles. I still can't believe it, yet I would kind of give anything to go back to having that much control!
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| 36 weeks with Nixon |
I got pregnant with Nixon. That pregnancy brought on an appetite I hadn't had for a long time! For the first time since I developed bulimia I intentionally binged to purge. Before this I only vomited because I overate. This time I planned it all out. I was going to binge on some taco bell. A food that had been on the forbidden list for a couple of years now. I binged and I knew before I even began that it would end with vomiting. Ew, for the first time I actually took epicac. Epicac is used to induce vomiting in case something is ingested that shouldn't. It was the most violent vomiting I've ever had!
I got the control back about second trimester though. I was controlled and exercising religiously again. Every day no matter what! I'd get Haley up, feed her breakfast and head to the gym. One time I got out of the car and realized I still had my slippers on. Didn't stop me though...
These pictures are 6 weeks pregnant with Matix and feeling so fat. Weighed about 104 lbs.
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| 3 days after having Nixon. I was so thin, but never thin enough. |
These pictures are 6 weeks pregnant with Matix and feeling so fat. Weighed about 104 lbs.
This was taken last year and still feeling unhappy with my body not being 97 lbs anymore. Yet after the last 6 months of extreme alcohol use and weight gain, I would sure take that body now!
The truth is, happiness doesn't come from my body. One day I will figure out how to find happiness on the inside!
The truth is I was so obsessed with exercise, calories and the scale for so long, I felt like I died when all of it died. My whole being and soul got eaten away when the scale went up. My whole identity was that 100lb number. I've been lost ever since. Who am I if I'm not the skinny girl?
Bulimia and substance abuse
I have always said bulimia and an eating disorder came into my life when I gave up drugs. That was when I was 19-20 years old. That is actually not true at all! Disordered eating has been with me since at least 12 years of age. Seventh grade I was restricting my food to iceberg lettuce all day. I played with vomiting at that time.
I then used caffeine pills trying to drown my appetite. THEN, I found loretabs. The cure all! I got access to them from my kitchen cupboard. My dad had recently had knee surgery. Loretabs turned to anything I could get my hands on, NyQuil, ambien(again from home cupboards), dramamine. That was all because I could get my hands on it.
Then I found adderall! Oh my love for adderall! I could use some adderall right now!! Adderall at the time took me from 120 lbs down to 114 lbs! In like a matter of a week! It was amazing! I remember my brother Todd visiting St. George when I was 114 lbs and he commented how good I looked. It felt so good!
Eventually, that over the counter use led to Alcohol. Alcohol was amazing! It took away all those bad thoughts about myself. It allowed me to be social and free. Alcohol led me to Marijuana. Never enjoyed marijuana too much. Marijuana was probably my enemy. Not sure why I used it so much. It did the opposite of what I was looking for. It made the thoughts in my mind I was trying to escape from SO MUCH LOUDER! Oh the thoughts it created and the insecurities it gave me.
Unfortunately, alcohol was just another demon. It made me too loose. Every major regret in my life came from drinking alcohol. I learned I couldn't drink if I didn't want to end up in some strangers bed not sure how or what happened.
SO, where did that lead me? Cocaine and heroin. Oh, there couldn't be anything better in this life could there? If only it didn't destroy a person. Those were magic drugs! HEROIN! I love you heroin. Yes, I love the way heroin makes me feel. You know why? Because heroin makes you NOT FEEL! It was everything I had been searching for! I finally found the answer. Oh and cocaine, can't even get started on how amazing that feels, but of course without heroin to go with it you will get anxiety from hell.
Unfortunately, we are talking about drugs. Drugs ruin lives and they ruined mine. Nothing mattered except getting high. Drowning the pain and running from myself. Eventually, you have to wake up and you are you again. Except, you are you with a lot more problems and damage. Losing jobs, hurting family, losing a home, losing love. Gosh, why do drugs have to ruin you? If only they could really be the answer.
SO................ I got clean one day. Yeah all that is history. Lets fast forward. I got off drugs, but what do you know? I was still Kim. I was still that dang freaking person I had been running from for years and years. I was still Kim with body image issues and disordered eating. I started working at Hogi Yogi. At night time we could eat all the cookies we wanted. They had awesome cookies. I loved those cookies, but I didn't want the consequence of eating them. So Bulimia arrived(hi bulimia, I remember you). Bulimia made me more depressed than doing drugs. Oh I was SO SO SO depressed. So, I went to the doctor for depression and bulimia and he gave me prozac and xanax. YEA! Thank YOU DOCTOR FOR GIVING ME A DRUG THAT I CAN TAKE WITHOUT GUILT! It was like the bells in heaven went off! Bulimia was gone! Depression was gone! Xanax ran out and I remembered how lovely it felt to not be Kim with bulimia. So I was back at it. Sorry mom and dad, I know how much it hurt. But maybe you can see why I did it? Maybe not.
My lifestyle landed me pregnant though. It often does right? Heavenly Father had to have had a hand in this somewhere I'm certain. My drug addict mind went from looking for a fix to "I'm pregnant? Okay bye bye lifestyle". My pregnancy took my appetite away. I was cured! No appetite, no desire for drugs. Then I discovered counting calories and exercise. I was cured! It was the happiest time of my life! I had no desire for bad foods, I could count calories like it aint no thing. That's the beginning of the rest of my story...
Eventually, that over the counter use led to Alcohol. Alcohol was amazing! It took away all those bad thoughts about myself. It allowed me to be social and free. Alcohol led me to Marijuana. Never enjoyed marijuana too much. Marijuana was probably my enemy. Not sure why I used it so much. It did the opposite of what I was looking for. It made the thoughts in my mind I was trying to escape from SO MUCH LOUDER! Oh the thoughts it created and the insecurities it gave me.
Unfortunately, alcohol was just another demon. It made me too loose. Every major regret in my life came from drinking alcohol. I learned I couldn't drink if I didn't want to end up in some strangers bed not sure how or what happened.
Unfortunately, we are talking about drugs. Drugs ruin lives and they ruined mine. Nothing mattered except getting high. Drowning the pain and running from myself. Eventually, you have to wake up and you are you again. Except, you are you with a lot more problems and damage. Losing jobs, hurting family, losing a home, losing love. Gosh, why do drugs have to ruin you? If only they could really be the answer.
SO................ I got clean one day. Yeah all that is history. Lets fast forward. I got off drugs, but what do you know? I was still Kim. I was still that dang freaking person I had been running from for years and years. I was still Kim with body image issues and disordered eating. I started working at Hogi Yogi. At night time we could eat all the cookies we wanted. They had awesome cookies. I loved those cookies, but I didn't want the consequence of eating them. So Bulimia arrived(hi bulimia, I remember you). Bulimia made me more depressed than doing drugs. Oh I was SO SO SO depressed. So, I went to the doctor for depression and bulimia and he gave me prozac and xanax. YEA! Thank YOU DOCTOR FOR GIVING ME A DRUG THAT I CAN TAKE WITHOUT GUILT! It was like the bells in heaven went off! Bulimia was gone! Depression was gone! Xanax ran out and I remembered how lovely it felt to not be Kim with bulimia. So I was back at it. Sorry mom and dad, I know how much it hurt. But maybe you can see why I did it? Maybe not.
My lifestyle landed me pregnant though. It often does right? Heavenly Father had to have had a hand in this somewhere I'm certain. My drug addict mind went from looking for a fix to "I'm pregnant? Okay bye bye lifestyle". My pregnancy took my appetite away. I was cured! No appetite, no desire for drugs. Then I discovered counting calories and exercise. I was cured! It was the happiest time of my life! I had no desire for bad foods, I could count calories like it aint no thing. That's the beginning of the rest of my story...
Continue with the post The Ugly truth if you want my current day situation.