Another day

one more day down.  Feeling very lonely....

Alcohol is my friend

I realized why I've clung to alcohol for so long.  Alcohol is always there when I'm down or lonely. I've been lonely a really long time.

Alcoholism

It's taken me four years to be honest about my alcoholism.  I felt like I was above other alcoholics, because I had the ability to avoid the liquor store.  That my drinking was a choice, which it was, but it was a choice that was very difficult to avoid.  The reason I have finally accepted that I'm an alcoholic is because as soon as I have one drink of it.  I can't stop until I'm passed out.  My tolerance has grown considerably.  I'm 5'3" and 105 lbs and I've gotten up to 2/3 of a fifth a day.  I black out every time I drink.  I've lost years of memories and of experiencing with my family.  After a heavy night of drinking I would wake up without feeling like I was puke. The only side effect I would have was the physical withdrawal which includes shakes and sweating at least for me.

I read once that when a black out occurs, it is not that I don't remember the night, it is because my brain did not create a memory at all.  There is no getting back those days.  Even if I had the opportunity to magically view every day of my life, those days I would have no memory of.

I have two people living inside me. They are polar opposites and that one side is nasty, selfish, so incredibly selfish.

I only have one choice right now and that is to get sober, but I am powerless.  I finally accept.  My only option is to jump in with both feet.  No more of this one foot in and foot out because it has gotten me no where in four years.  My husband has had enough, after a night of him coming home the other day, me completely obliterated.  He asked me to give him my alcohol, I refused and over and over told him to go away.

I have not spoken to him since that night, as he has been out of town.  I'm afraid. He told me back in the spring that he can't put up with this any longer.  Yet, I continued to push my luck.  I have to accept any consequences that are going to follow when we speak.  It may be ugly and it will be hard for me.  I have chosen choices with consequences.  Tragic consequences.

Yesterday I began sobriety.  I begin to count my days, I have not days because I knew I wasn't done drinking.  I can never touch alcohol again.  If I do, I will continue to go on benders.  It may start out slow, it may start where I left off.  But one thing I accept for sure, is it will end the same.


My song right now, but both parts are mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bzIpYiPUUo

Crossroads

After 6 weeks of what almost felt like utter bliss, my depression finally started poking it's head back into my life.  I wish

THE 12 Steps

Step one

I admit I am powerless over my addictions and my life is unmanageable. 

That is a very easy step to take! 

Step two

Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 

I am not exactly sure where I'm at with this. Because if I really believed it and my life is unmanageable with me running it, then step 3 would be easy right? 

Step Three

Make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.

I can't seem to do that. Which makes me feel like I don't truly believe he can heal me. I don't think it's that I don't believe he CAN, I just don't believe he Will. I suppose until I turn my will over to him, so I suppose step 2 and 3 are intertwined. 

You know, life is just too damn hard. Is it this hard for everyone else? Like why does waking up and walking around while breathing feel so incredibly exhausting? Then, on top of just having to do those things I have life's responsibilities and on TOP OF ALL THAT, I'm suppose to some how have time and energy to work a recovery program. That's tiring. I am tired. 

All about your Heart

Sometimes you hear a song, it could be a song you've heard a hundred times, but at that single moment it touches a part of you it never has before. 

Sunflowers

This is the wallpaper on my phone. It brings light to my day. If you asked me what my favorite flower was, I would probably respond with an orchid or dahlia. The truth is, I think sunflowers just might be my favorite flower. Not because they're ornate or even that beautiful, but because they bring light. They are inspirational flowers. They follow the sun, just like we should follow the Son. They're hardy flowers that will reseed and come back in multiplied numbers. They're just simply, happiness wrapped up into a flower.