Darkness

I've wished death upon myself too many times to count.  Never have I fantasized about how I would do it myself.

Recently I had this experience.  It seems that each time I fall into a depression it gets deeper and deeper.  I have finally hit the depth of planning suicide.

Now, lets not jump to any conclusions, I'm not currently in that place.  Heads up, a person in a current suicidal place would not tell you, I promise this.

A couple weeks ago though, I was in a pretty damn low place.  Something so small lit the fuse.  Suddenly, I found myself on a walk contemplating how I would accomplish this gruesome task.  To be honest, I even practiced suffocation with a lengthy weed.  I fantasized of jumping in front of the cars going by.  Satan was full throttle on my spirit and mind.

In the LDS church we get blessings when we are of age and want them.  Basically, they're given by a person of authority and they can be somewhat of a fortune teller, yet they are contingent on our worthiness.

Well..... My blessing, even though I'm completely unworthy of its words does state "There will be times when Satan's Cloak will be thrown upon you"....  I have begin to understand this saying as I've gone through some pretty DARK times in my life.   Looking back on this experience not too long ago, I realize how this WAS Satan's cloak.  He had my mind completely blind to reality and every thought I was having I believed.  I believed that I should DIE.

I am in a better place today, thank the Lord.  BUT....  I am still in a sinful and wicked place. I am just trying to survive.  I am trying to Live, I am living for my Kids.  I just hope, I hope hope hope, that means something.  Lord, please accept that.