Dear Mom

I spent my teenage years disappointing my mom time and time again.  I was a free spirit and didn't want to follow her rules. I was curious and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Now I am tormented by the pain I put her through. Still free spirited and still disappointing.  Only thing is, I am an adult now, she doesn't know what I do and she doesn't know she is disappointed.  But I do. I know that my actions would kill her.  I wake up every Sunday morning with this pressure to attend church so it will make her happy. Every time I drink coffee I feel so much guilt.  I lie to my kids about what it is that I'm drinking, afraid of them telling Grandma.  It's not her fault. She is just loving me and wants the best for me.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I don't live up to the life you want for me. But no matter how bad I feel for hurting you, I can't do it for you. I have to want it for me and until then I will live in pain.  I don't want to hurt you and I'm sorry.

Love,
Your daughter, the black sheep.

Different

I feel like I'm different than the average person. There is a gaping hole that eats me away inside. Day after day I struggle just to be alive, just live a normal happy life.  I don't know why life is so hard for me.  I sit here and I look around me and I have so much to be grateful for.  I have everything. I have a home, a loving husband, I have children, we have a job that pays our bills and a dog that I love.  Yet, I still have this hole, this void that torments me and brings me down.  I don't know what it is, why it possesses me and what it wants. I don't know how to fill it. I have a sensitive nature, I see people.  I see sadness. I can hardly verbalize what I'm trying to say, but there is something different about my spirit inside me.

I can empathize with the addicts that OD or the people that go on to take their lives.  I understand why Robin Williams did it. I understand why some people can never pull their lives together. I understand because I am one of them.  There is something different about us. A connection that goes deeper than this life.

I am an addict. I am a slave to my physical body. I feel so selfish and self absorbed.  I have people that love me, that count on me and I can't quit to save my life.

I thought age would heal me. I thought maturity was the answer to all my problems.  Now I am going on 30 and worse than ever.

God save me, because I can't.