Addict vs. Exercise

I rediscovered the missing link in my life. THE GYM! I quit exercising consistently after Matix was born. I never noticed it before, but that is seriously when my life took the biggest downward step.  

When I was leaving the treatment center, I told my therapist that I was planning on getting a gym membership. Her response was definitely not a positive one. She warned me saying that it was dangerous place to be with an eating disorder.i've never abused exercise. I wenti've never abused exercise. I went every day for a lot of years, but I never did it excessively. I would typically do about 45 minutes of cardio and the rest weights maybe a half hour so. Exercise has never been a part of my eating disorder, I never used exercise is a way to purge my food.

I joined the gym last week and I can tell you this week has probably been the best yet, since coming home from the center.

I feel like I've been reunited with an old friend. So here lays the question: what is worse addiction or exercise addiction? I feel as though a person can easily trade one addiction to another and that other being exercise. Maybe some would look at it negatively since exercise is your new high. Perhaps exercise addiction is very real, but if there is one thing to be addicted to I feel like exercise wins.  

What is it?

There is a feeling inside my, it's the all too familiar feeling that I am always wanting to run from.  The problem is, I don't know how to label it. I'm not sure where it's stemming from. This is what I do know:

I tend to get this feeling in my stomach. It's a feeling of emptiness that isn't a result of hunger. I begin to feel "bored".  Yet, it's a feeling that weighs me down. I feel so restless with no ambition to do anything but sit. It's a feeling that engulfs me physically and mentally. It's a feeling that doesn't go away easy and likes to visit often.  

It is this very feeling that has lead me to try and fill it. Because it feels so much like  an emptiness that can be cured with food and/or alcohol.  Without stuffing this feeling, it doesn't seem to go away.  I wish I knew exactly what it was so that I could figure out how to treat it. 

Until then, today I sit with it. Today I will sit in this discomfort. 

Some days

Some days are great, Some days are not. Today is the latter...

God is Real

I've had some experiences in my life that confirm to me that there is a God and he is aware of me and my thoughts. 

Last fall I was heading off to work. The desire to drink cough syrup that morning was strong and I stopped at the store to get some. Unfortunately, they were out, which was a fairly common thing for this particular store. I stopped at the next store, a store that has never failed me. This store didn't haven't any either. Being short on time for work I had to forego the idea. 

That day around noon, just a couple hours after getting to work, I got a call from the elementary school. Nixon had broken his arm really bad and needed to go to the hospital. 

If I had drank the cough syrup that day I wouldn't have been in the right state of mind. I would have been numbed out on emotions and unable to show my son the love he needed that day.  I know God's hand was there for me that day. 

Another experience I have is somewhat similar to the other one. This happened when I was about 19 years old and struggling with drug use.  I had gotten some sobriety and had really strengthened my spirituality.  God new I wanted to be sober. Unfortunately, I decided one day to relapse. My boyfriend and I drove up to Salt Lake to meet someone that would be the middle man in getting us the drugs. That guy ended up stealing all our money and never coming back. It was the first and last time I had ever been robbed. Needless to say, I didn't end up using that day. 

The last I will share today is of extreme importance to me. I also want to say that these three stories are just 3 of the countless stories I have.

This experience happened to me just last December. It was the middle of the night after a pretty bad drunken episode.  It was the night that Chaz got home from work to find me passed out in our hallway.(you can read about it here)The kids had covered me up with a blanket and brought me a bowl because I said I was sick and going to throw up. I had spent time hovering over the Porcelain God and managed to crawl myself to the hallway. 

In the middle of the night I lay in my bed awake while pondering the events from the night before. I spoke out in my mind to God. I asked Him if he was there and if he cared about me. I shared how defeated I was feeling and how forgotten I felt. 

The next evening I was at work when I got into a conversation with a fellow.  I had mentioned using an IPad at church, when he saw my wedding ring he asked what temple I had married in.  I told him that my husband wasn't a member. After I finished his sale he asked if I could step aside for a minute.  He told me that God loves me. He said that God can't come physically to answer prayers and so he send messengers. He told me that I need to go home and tell my husband that an angel visited me and that I was going to make changes in my life and be better. He told me that I should always pray no matter what and many times repeated that God loves me and hears me. He asked if he could write something down for me so that I could look at it and always remember. 

I will never forget the messenger my Heavenly Father sent that day. Ray Stringham answered all the questions I had asked the very night before in prayer. 

Confessions of a Mom

Wow, my days are so up and down it's crazy.  I wake up excited to take on the day and I go to bed hoping I won't wake up to see another day.  Today has been exceptionally rough.  Dealing with the emotions is so unpleasant. I so badly want to numb it away.

My sweet Mother took care of my kids while I was in the center.  She took on a motherly role 110%! While she had the kids, she told them I was going to be different when they came back home.  She told them I would  be a better mom.  She told them all the things I myself hoped for as well.  The sad part is, I am still the same Kim.  I'm not magically transformed. I'm still the mom who feels suffocated by my kids.  I'm still the same mom that struggles greatly to be selfless.  I'm still the mom that can't seem to put her phone down, or who is so overwhelmed with household tasks that I don't have time for anything else.  I'm still the same mom who is extremely uptight and on the verge of explosion at any second.  I'm the same person I was 5 weeks ago, but that shouldn't be too much of a surprise.  I would imagine 5 weeks is not enough time to undue a lifetime of character flaws.  I just feel bad that my children's expectations have let them down.  I have let them down.  I've failed them yet again.  I question why God has entrusted me with these three wonderful kids.  They're great kids.  They're well behaved and people are constantly recognizing it.  They are so sweet and loving.  Yet, here I am hardly standing being around them longer than 5 minutes.  The fighting, the whining, the crying, the fighting, the yell for "mom" every few minutes, the constant hanging around me and on me, the never ending bedtime hour. I think I could keep going.  They are "kids" and I've discovered I don't tolerate kids very well.  Never have.  The responsibility on my shoulders is more than I can bear. I feel I've made this awful mistake by allowing these kids to be mine.  I don't deserve these kids.  I'm not cut out to be a mom.  The only problem here is there is no undoing what's been done. These are my kids, I am their Mom and I can not fail them.  They're future is in my hands.  What they become is a result of their lives as children with their Mom and Dad.  Now, I'm not taking responsibility of future choices that may be undesirable.  I will however take responsibility for core beliefs that enslave them.  Core beliefs that they learned as small children.  Those core beliefs are the road map of the rest of their lives.  How I have spoken to them will become their inner voice.  Their mental health is in my hands.  I'm afraid I've already failed them there.

"Parents leave a lasting impression on how their child develops his lifelong social skills and academic achievement. Researchers from the University of Minnesota, University of Delaware, and the University of Illinois collaborated to test the theory, and it turns out how a parent takes care of her child for the first three years affects him for the rest of his life."

*sigh*

I salute another day in utter defeat. 

A Good Laugh

Love this video, it never fails to make me laugh!

A New Day

I woke up feeling positive and inspired! Thank heavens because yesterday was a total bust.  I have many aspirations and I'm excited to start working on them.  

defeated

I'm defeated today. Feeling hopeless and just want to give up forever.

Post Treatment

I have been home a week now. My friend asked me how I was doing, I responded that I've been OK. I said that I've been having some hard days and I've been struggling but I've been able to not engage in my unhealthy behaviors. Personally, I had hoped I would be doing better as I still had temptations  and cravings. Though my friend pointed out the fact that I've been struggling and managing to not engage. So the truth is, I'm doing great. I'm managing my stress without turning to negative coping behaviors. The truth is, these cravings and thoughts Mayhunt me for a long time. They may never fully go away. But I can see now, how they will lesson in my strength will grow. The overtime the cravings will be less and far between. 

I realize something interesting while talking to my therapist the other day. When you were in the downward spiral, first it begins with emotion and got emotional turn to a hot which eventually the thoughts will turn to the behavior.  That is typically the cycle of how our lives work.  

Well, in recovery it's the opposite. First you change your behaviors, you abstain from participating in negative ways. During this phase, it feels like nothing has changed except for that you aren't acting out. As time passes those changed behaviors will eventually change your thoughts. You will begin to find that your thoughts aren't as loud as they were before, but the impulses and cravings aren't as strong. After a period of time in this phase, you eventually realize that your feelings are changing. The negative feelings that you had about yourself transform. So right now I'm in the phase of just not doing those behaviors. Sometimes it feels like things are changing as quickly as I hoped. I'm still having those thoughts they are extremely painful. But if I can he keep holding on and keep doing the positive behaviors eventually those others will follow. Eventually, I will wake up one day and realize I'm not the same person I was.

The Center

Well...  I managed 5 weeks in treatment. My insurance was the ultimate reason I'm done. It was very difficult being there. 

When I first got to the center I was informed that I wasn't allowed to pace the floor, shake my legs while sitting, stand for no reason and basically do anything other than sit still. 

If you know me, you can imagine how hard that was for me. Some of the basic rules were, we weren't allowed to flush our own toilet, we had to eat 100% of the food that was given to us, we couldn't use the bathroom 30 minutes after eating, we were in bed by nine and up by six, if you refuse to eat your meal or finish it then you had to eat a meal replacement instead.  If you refused to eat the meal replacement, there were consequences such as been put on bed rest, or forced to sit at a table by yourself and no talking for 24 hours.  

The dietary part of the program was definitely the hardest. I was shocked when my first few days there I noticed that most of our snacks were heavy food items such as doughnuts, cake, pop tarts, ect.  That first week, my body felt very unhappy. I felt like I was stuffed to the max and food was just going to be coming up from being so full.  

Being at the treatment center was a very humbling experience. I've never been so stripped of my pride in my whole life. I learned how to sit. I sat a lot and learned that I can be bored and sit and do nothing.

I didn't make many friendships well I was there. I am such a reserved person. I really struggle to make connections with people. I spent most of my time not talking to anyone and sitting by myself pondering.  It was an extremely lonely time.

There is no way I could've got in control of my diet had I not had the 24 hour supervision. I was able to get over the feelings of eating and to be able to eat without pain and guilt. 

It was extremely hard and I'm not sure if I could ever do it again, but it was worth it.

Facade vs real life

Today we were asked to put on one side of a plate the persona we put out to the world and on the other side the parts of us we hide.