So I get that happiness will never be somewhere else, but how do I find happiness where I am? Feeling super bluesy today and I hate it! I want people to enjoy being around me, but I don't even enjoy being around myself.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Lonely
I'm feeling lonely for family relations today. I wish I had my parents and brothers and sisters near by. I wish my family were closer. I wish I were closer to my sister who lives 5 minutes away. I wish I had in laws. Just feeling lonely.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Darkness
I've wished death upon myself too many times to count. Never have I fantasized about how I would do it myself.
Recently I had this experience. It seems that each time I fall into a depression it gets deeper and deeper. I have finally hit the depth of planning suicide.
Now, lets not jump to any conclusions, I'm not currently in that place. Heads up, a person in a current suicidal place would not tell you, I promise this.
A couple weeks ago though, I was in a pretty damn low place. Something so small lit the fuse. Suddenly, I found myself on a walk contemplating how I would accomplish this gruesome task. To be honest, I even practiced suffocation with a lengthy weed. I fantasized of jumping in front of the cars going by. Satan was full throttle on my spirit and mind.
In the LDS church we get blessings when we are of age and want them. Basically, they're given by a person of authority and they can be somewhat of a fortune teller, yet they are contingent on our worthiness.
Well..... My blessing, even though I'm completely unworthy of its words does state "There will be times when Satan's Cloak will be thrown upon you".... I have begin to understand this saying as I've gone through some pretty DARK times in my life. Looking back on this experience not too long ago, I realize how this WAS Satan's cloak. He had my mind completely blind to reality and every thought I was having I believed. I believed that I should DIE.
I am in a better place today, thank the Lord. BUT.... I am still in a sinful and wicked place. I am just trying to survive. I am trying to Live, I am living for my Kids. I just hope, I hope hope hope, that means something. Lord, please accept that.
Recently I had this experience. It seems that each time I fall into a depression it gets deeper and deeper. I have finally hit the depth of planning suicide.
Now, lets not jump to any conclusions, I'm not currently in that place. Heads up, a person in a current suicidal place would not tell you, I promise this.
A couple weeks ago though, I was in a pretty damn low place. Something so small lit the fuse. Suddenly, I found myself on a walk contemplating how I would accomplish this gruesome task. To be honest, I even practiced suffocation with a lengthy weed. I fantasized of jumping in front of the cars going by. Satan was full throttle on my spirit and mind.
In the LDS church we get blessings when we are of age and want them. Basically, they're given by a person of authority and they can be somewhat of a fortune teller, yet they are contingent on our worthiness.
Well..... My blessing, even though I'm completely unworthy of its words does state "There will be times when Satan's Cloak will be thrown upon you".... I have begin to understand this saying as I've gone through some pretty DARK times in my life. Looking back on this experience not too long ago, I realize how this WAS Satan's cloak. He had my mind completely blind to reality and every thought I was having I believed. I believed that I should DIE.
I am in a better place today, thank the Lord. BUT.... I am still in a sinful and wicked place. I am just trying to survive. I am trying to Live, I am living for my Kids. I just hope, I hope hope hope, that means something. Lord, please accept that.
it's been awhile
I haven't been posting lately, maybe because I feel ashamed. I had so much hope going into treatment. I really had a hope it was my answer. I hoped I would leave a different person. Even my mom felt that way, she even promised my kids they would come home to a different mom. Making completely unrealistic statements.
So here I am, I'm not better or different than the day I checked into the Center for Change. I am still the same Kim with the same Brain.
My thoughts today are this....
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I truly believe the church I belong to is the true Church on the earth today.
I am sure every person who belongs to a church feels that way about theirs, otherwise why would they still attend?? But, that is MY belief. I have been to other churches and the spirit is not the same. I have had internal spiritual witness that I believe in the correct church..
That being said....
I am a member of the LDS church, I have been baptized and received an endowment into this religion. I have made promises and covenants with GOD that I would keep these, if I don't, well than he is not forced to keep his promises to ME..
Yet, here I am. I am offending him on a daily basis, I am breaking covenants on a daily basis.
I know with all that I am, with every fiber of my being that I am doing wrong.
I have a hope though, it might be a foolish one at least, but I have a hope that he understands. I hope he understands what I'm fighting and why I openly disobey him.
Here is my prayer....
Dear Father in Heaven,
I am sinning, I am a sinner. I'm wicked and I don't deserve to even to talk to thee, but here I am. I am sorry for my sins, I am SO SO SORRY, I don't want to be this way. I know the truth Father, I know what I'm up against. I know my Fate. I don't need your forgiveness, I don't need your pardon. I just want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I continue to go against what I know. I want to be your disciple, I want to be a tool in your hands, I want to be your servant, I really really want to and I just want you to know what my heart feels. I'm sorry for my actions, I'm sorry I'm a wicked child. I love you Father and I'm so sorry.
Love,
your disobedient child,
Kim
So here I am, I'm not better or different than the day I checked into the Center for Change. I am still the same Kim with the same Brain.
My thoughts today are this....
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I truly believe the church I belong to is the true Church on the earth today.
I am sure every person who belongs to a church feels that way about theirs, otherwise why would they still attend?? But, that is MY belief. I have been to other churches and the spirit is not the same. I have had internal spiritual witness that I believe in the correct church..
That being said....
I am a member of the LDS church, I have been baptized and received an endowment into this religion. I have made promises and covenants with GOD that I would keep these, if I don't, well than he is not forced to keep his promises to ME..
Yet, here I am. I am offending him on a daily basis, I am breaking covenants on a daily basis.
I know with all that I am, with every fiber of my being that I am doing wrong.
I have a hope though, it might be a foolish one at least, but I have a hope that he understands. I hope he understands what I'm fighting and why I openly disobey him.
Here is my prayer....
Dear Father in Heaven,
I am sinning, I am a sinner. I'm wicked and I don't deserve to even to talk to thee, but here I am. I am sorry for my sins, I am SO SO SORRY, I don't want to be this way. I know the truth Father, I know what I'm up against. I know my Fate. I don't need your forgiveness, I don't need your pardon. I just want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I continue to go against what I know. I want to be your disciple, I want to be a tool in your hands, I want to be your servant, I really really want to and I just want you to know what my heart feels. I'm sorry for my actions, I'm sorry I'm a wicked child. I love you Father and I'm so sorry.
Love,
your disobedient child,
Kim
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