The rest of my story...

So I guess I am going to be embarking a journey of recovery.  This is happening. I hope!!  I'm checking into the possibility of residential treatment.  SCARIEST IDEA EVER!  I have to though.  I just have to move on with my life.

Here are the sick thoughts that I currently have.  Treatment?  Sweet!  That means I'll quit being bulimic and an alcoholic and I can be SKINNY again!!  YES, I want to be SKINNY!  Skinny, skinny, skinny!  I look at pictures of recovering anorexics and my brain says "How sad, look how fat they are now."  AHHHHHH!!  I'm SO SO SO Sick.

The rest of my story...
I found calories and exercise and I found breastfeeding.(Could I breastfeed your child so it can burn calories effortlessly?)  I began pregnancy weighing 126 lbs.   I ended pregnancy at 149 lbs.  Within 1 week post partum I weighed 120 lbs.  In 6 months I was 97 lbs.  It was pretty amazing.  I had no chub to grab around my tummy.  I had a figure I had never even seen in  my life!  I was actually healthy.  I ate healthy and I ate enough.  I was eating about 2200 calories a day.

    I was obsessed with calories though.  I was starving all the time.  Here is an example of how irrational and obsessed I had become.  

It was chaz's birthday, I had my day of calories already accounted for.  I already knew exactly what I was going to be ordering at Texas Roadhouse and it was already in my food log.  So we order our food and my dinner salad comes, except I didn't know my salad would have hard boiled egg on it!  I didn't account for that egg in my food database.  I was already at my days limit.  I could pick off the whites, but the egg yolk crumbles were stuck on my lettuce!  I started bawling.  I ruined Chaz's birthday dinner over some egg yolk crumbles.   I still can't believe it, yet I would kind of give anything to go back to having that much control!

36 weeks with Nixon

I got pregnant with Nixon.  That pregnancy brought on an appetite I hadn't had for a long time!  For the first time since I developed bulimia I intentionally binged to purge.  Before this I only vomited because I overate.  This time I planned it all out.  I was going to binge on some taco bell.  A food that had been on the forbidden list for a couple of years now.  I binged and I knew before I even began that it would end with vomiting.  Ew, for the first time I actually took epicac.  Epicac is used to induce vomiting in case something is ingested that shouldn't.  It was the most violent vomiting I've ever had! 

    I got the control back about second trimester though.  I was controlled and exercising religiously again.  Every day no matter what!  I'd get Haley up, feed her breakfast and head to the gym.  One time I got out of the car and realized I still had my slippers on.  Didn't stop me though...

3 days after having Nixon.  I was so thin, but never thin enough.

These pictures are 6 weeks pregnant with Matix and feeling so fat.  Weighed about 104 lbs.

 

This was taken last year and still feeling unhappy with my body not being 97 lbs anymore.  Yet after the last 6 months of extreme alcohol use and weight gain, I would sure take that body now! 

 The truth is, happiness doesn't come from my body.  One day I will figure out how to find happiness on the inside!

The truth is I was so obsessed with exercise, calories and the scale for so long, I felt like I died when all of it died. My whole being and soul got eaten away when the scale went up. My whole identity was that 100lb number.  I've been lost ever since. Who am I if I'm not the skinny girl?