First I want to say that I'm sorry that I have created a lifelong burden on my family. I hate that I am such a wreck and not the person I should be.
I need to get these secrets out of the closet. I need my family to know the life I secretly live.
I am an addict. I throw up my breakfast and lunch every day and often dinner. I spend every day fighting my own mind. I am a victim and a slave to my eating disorder. I simply can't avoid the constant compulsions that haunt me. I have come to a place where I feel like I would do anything to run away. I have good days, which just means I am in acceptance of what my life is. I also have bad days, where I just want it to end. When my head is draped over the toilet I pray that I can just have a heart attack and be done. A heart attack can be a result of bulimia. I sometimes drive through intersections just hoping I get t-boned and be done. Those are my bad days, which are not that extreme that often, but they do happen.
I reopened a can of worms for myself. I remembered how great it felt to take a substance and have life actually feel good. To take something and feel freed from the torment of an eating disorder. During these last two years of opening that can of worms, I have ventured into other things. I have taken anything I can get my hands on legally that could free me. This last year I have found that I could drink alcohol and not gain a million pounds like I feared. I drink once and awhile here and there. Somehow in the last 6 months or so my life has taken a significant turn for the worse. What went from once in awhile, went to a few times a week, to every day. I still felt okay about it because I felt like if drinking in the evening allows me freedom and keeps me here on earth, then I'll take it. Problem is, I'm an addict and addiction is progressive. I guess I have become an alcoholic.
Bulimia has haunted me going on 11-12 years now. I probably would have gotten this bad a long time ago had I realized there was a way to have relief "legally".
So, about a month ago I got really sick. I drank too much, I don't remember much that evening. I have many "black outs" from alcohol. I don't remember a lot of evenings. But this was the worse, because it happened quite early in the evening. My kids were still awake. I don't remember feeding them dinner. What I do remember is crawling out of my bathroom feeling so ill. Matix got me a bowl and a blanket. The kids covered me up and I passed out in my hallway. Chaz got home late that night. Chaz and I talked and he finally has had enough with my inability to control myself. He said I had to figure out how to pull myself together. We discussed a treatment center, but I don't know how that works and it scares me. It scares me to be away and I fear the financial aspect. I don't know how we will pay for it. I don't want to be away from the kids that long. I don't want to put a burden on mom who would probably have to take care of them. All of it freaks me out. So, the next day I thought to myself "I got this". "I can do this".
Oh and in case you are wondering; yes I do pray that Heavenly Father will help me not do these things. The prayers don't seem to work. One of the reasons I called out to him the other night asking if he really hears me. Because I have definitely felt alone when it comes to my struggles. Since bulimia came into my life, there has never been a feeling of relief from Heaven. I'm not sure what that all means.
I woke up and after again ridding my body of breakfast I realized that I can't do this. I can't kick this on my own. I've been trying for 10 years. Clearly I am powerless by myself, and I need more than prayer.
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