My sweet Mother took care of my kids while I was in the center. She took on a motherly role 110%! While she had the kids, she told them I was going to be different when they came back home. She told them I would be a better mom. She told them all the things I myself hoped for as well. The sad part is, I am still the same Kim. I'm not magically transformed. I'm still the mom who feels suffocated by my kids. I'm still the same mom that struggles greatly to be selfless. I'm still the mom that can't seem to put her phone down, or who is so overwhelmed with household tasks that I don't have time for anything else. I'm still the same mom who is extremely uptight and on the verge of explosion at any second. I'm the same person I was 5 weeks ago, but that shouldn't be too much of a surprise. I would imagine 5 weeks is not enough time to undue a lifetime of character flaws. I just feel bad that my children's expectations have let them down. I have let them down. I've failed them yet again. I question why God has entrusted me with these three wonderful kids. They're great kids. They're well behaved and people are constantly recognizing it. They are so sweet and loving. Yet, here I am hardly standing being around them longer than 5 minutes. The fighting, the whining, the crying, the fighting, the yell for "mom" every few minutes, the constant hanging around me and on me, the never ending bedtime hour. I think I could keep going. They are "kids" and I've discovered I don't tolerate kids very well. Never have. The responsibility on my shoulders is more than I can bear. I feel I've made this awful mistake by allowing these kids to be mine. I don't deserve these kids. I'm not cut out to be a mom. The only problem here is there is no undoing what's been done. These are my kids, I am their Mom and I can not fail them. They're future is in my hands. What they become is a result of their lives as children with their Mom and Dad. Now, I'm not taking responsibility of future choices that may be undesirable. I will however take responsibility for core beliefs that enslave them. Core beliefs that they learned as small children. Those core beliefs are the road map of the rest of their lives. How I have spoken to them will become their inner voice. Their mental health is in my hands. I'm afraid I've already failed them there.
"Parents leave a lasting impression on how their child develops his lifelong social skills and academic achievement. Researchers from the University of Minnesota, University of Delaware, and the University of Illinois collaborated to test the theory, and it turns out how a parent takes care of her child for the first three years affects him for the rest of his life."
*sigh*
I salute another day in utter defeat.
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