Hello world...

Feeling lonely and isolated 

White knuckles

When you are holding on so tight your knuckles turn white. Fighting the urge to give in to addictions. Being so filled with boredom from a sober life. Feeling antsy yet lacking desire and motivation to do anything but hold on to resisting. Wishing I had something or somewhere I could go other than the dungeon I live.  Waiting for the acceptable hour to drown the thoughts away. 

The Ugly Truth

First I want to say that I'm sorry that I have created a lifelong burden on my family. I hate that I am such a wreck and not the person I should be.  

I need to get these secrets out of the closet. I need my family to know the life I secretly live. 

I am an addict. I throw up my breakfast and lunch every day and often dinner.  I spend every day fighting my own mind.  I am a victim and a slave to my eating disorder.  I simply can't avoid the constant compulsions that haunt me.  I have come to a place where I feel like I would do anything to run away.  I have good days, which just means I am in acceptance of what my life is.  I also have bad days, where I just want it to end.  When my head is draped over the toilet I pray that I can just have a heart attack and be done.  A heart attack can be a result of bulimia.  I sometimes drive through intersections just hoping I get t-boned and be done.  Those are my bad days, which are not that extreme that often, but they do happen. 

 I reopened a can of worms for myself.  I remembered how great it felt to take a substance and have life actually feel good.  To take something and feel freed from the torment of an eating disorder.  During these last two years of opening that can of worms, I have ventured into other things.  I have taken anything I can get my hands on legally that could free me. This last year I have found that I could drink alcohol and not gain a million pounds like I feared.  I drink once and awhile here and there.  Somehow in the last 6 months or so my life has taken a significant turn for the worse. What went from once in awhile, went to a few times a week, to every day.  I still felt okay about it because I felt like if drinking in the evening allows me freedom and keeps me here on earth, then I'll take it.  Problem is, I'm an addict and addiction is progressive.  I guess I have become an alcoholic.  

    Bulimia has haunted me going on 11-12 years now.  I probably would have gotten this bad a long time ago had I realized there was a way to have relief "legally".  

So, about a month ago I got really sick.  I drank too much, I don't remember much that evening.  I have many "black outs" from alcohol.  I don't remember a lot of evenings.  But this was the worse, because it happened quite early in the evening.  My kids were still awake.  I don't remember feeding them dinner.  What I do remember is crawling out of my bathroom feeling so ill.  Matix got me a bowl and a blanket.  The kids covered me up and I passed out in  my hallway. Chaz got home late that night.   Chaz and I talked and he finally has had enough with my inability to control myself.  He said I had to figure out how to pull myself together.  We discussed a treatment center, but I don't know how that works and it scares me.  It scares me to be away and I fear the financial aspect.  I don't know how we will pay for it.  I don't want to be away from the kids that long.  I don't want to put a burden on mom who would probably have to take care of them.  All of it freaks me out.  So, the next day I thought to myself "I got this".  "I can do this".  

Oh and in case you are wondering; yes I do pray that Heavenly Father will help me not do these things.  The prayers don't seem to work.  One of the reasons I called out to him the other night asking if he really hears me.  Because I have definitely felt alone when it comes to my struggles.  Since bulimia came into my life, there has never been a feeling of relief from Heaven.  I'm not sure what that all means.  

     I woke up and after again ridding my body of breakfast I realized that I can't do this.  I can't kick this on my own. I've been trying for 10 years. Clearly I am powerless by myself, and I need more than prayer.  

I called the Eating Disorder Treatment center in Orem.  I will be checking in February 18th and I'm scared shitless. Excuse my French.   So that's whats going on with me. It really probably sounds a lot worse than I actually feel.  As long as I don't really think about all these things and just live my life the way I've been living it, I actually feel pretty good. So I am going to probably feel really awkward seeing anyone who reads this, but I'm ok.  I just don't want to be bulimic anymore.  If I can fix that, everything else will go away.  I believe I've been running from my mind all along.  I really think thats what led me the direction as a teenager..  

The rest of my story...

So I guess I am going to be embarking a journey of recovery.  This is happening. I hope!!  I'm checking into the possibility of residential treatment.  SCARIEST IDEA EVER!  I have to though.  I just have to move on with my life.

Here are the sick thoughts that I currently have.  Treatment?  Sweet!  That means I'll quit being bulimic and an alcoholic and I can be SKINNY again!!  YES, I want to be SKINNY!  Skinny, skinny, skinny!  I look at pictures of recovering anorexics and my brain says "How sad, look how fat they are now."  AHHHHHH!!  I'm SO SO SO Sick.

The rest of my story...
I found calories and exercise and I found breastfeeding.(Could I breastfeed your child so it can burn calories effortlessly?)  I began pregnancy weighing 126 lbs.   I ended pregnancy at 149 lbs.  Within 1 week post partum I weighed 120 lbs.  In 6 months I was 97 lbs.  It was pretty amazing.  I had no chub to grab around my tummy.  I had a figure I had never even seen in  my life!  I was actually healthy.  I ate healthy and I ate enough.  I was eating about 2200 calories a day.

    I was obsessed with calories though.  I was starving all the time.  Here is an example of how irrational and obsessed I had become.  

It was chaz's birthday, I had my day of calories already accounted for.  I already knew exactly what I was going to be ordering at Texas Roadhouse and it was already in my food log.  So we order our food and my dinner salad comes, except I didn't know my salad would have hard boiled egg on it!  I didn't account for that egg in my food database.  I was already at my days limit.  I could pick off the whites, but the egg yolk crumbles were stuck on my lettuce!  I started bawling.  I ruined Chaz's birthday dinner over some egg yolk crumbles.   I still can't believe it, yet I would kind of give anything to go back to having that much control!

36 weeks with Nixon

I got pregnant with Nixon.  That pregnancy brought on an appetite I hadn't had for a long time!  For the first time since I developed bulimia I intentionally binged to purge.  Before this I only vomited because I overate.  This time I planned it all out.  I was going to binge on some taco bell.  A food that had been on the forbidden list for a couple of years now.  I binged and I knew before I even began that it would end with vomiting.  Ew, for the first time I actually took epicac.  Epicac is used to induce vomiting in case something is ingested that shouldn't.  It was the most violent vomiting I've ever had! 

    I got the control back about second trimester though.  I was controlled and exercising religiously again.  Every day no matter what!  I'd get Haley up, feed her breakfast and head to the gym.  One time I got out of the car and realized I still had my slippers on.  Didn't stop me though...

3 days after having Nixon.  I was so thin, but never thin enough.

These pictures are 6 weeks pregnant with Matix and feeling so fat.  Weighed about 104 lbs.

 

This was taken last year and still feeling unhappy with my body not being 97 lbs anymore.  Yet after the last 6 months of extreme alcohol use and weight gain, I would sure take that body now! 

 The truth is, happiness doesn't come from my body.  One day I will figure out how to find happiness on the inside!

The truth is I was so obsessed with exercise, calories and the scale for so long, I felt like I died when all of it died. My whole being and soul got eaten away when the scale went up. My whole identity was that 100lb number.  I've been lost ever since. Who am I if I'm not the skinny girl?

Bulimia and substance abuse

I have always said bulimia and an eating disorder came into my life when I gave up drugs.  That was when I was 19-20 years old.  That is actually not true at all!  Disordered eating has been with me since at least 12 years of age. Seventh grade I was restricting my food to iceberg lettuce all day.  I played with vomiting at that time.

I then used caffeine pills trying to drown  my appetite.  THEN, I found loretabs.  The cure all!  I got access to them from my kitchen cupboard. My dad had recently had knee surgery. Loretabs turned to anything I could get my hands on, NyQuil, ambien(again from home cupboards), dramamine.  That was all because I could get my hands on it.  

Then I found adderall! Oh my love for adderall!  I could use some adderall right now!!  Adderall at the time took me from 120 lbs down to 114 lbs! In like a matter of a week! It was amazing!  I remember my brother Todd visiting St. George when I was 114 lbs and he commented how good I looked.  It felt so good!

Eventually, that over the counter use led to Alcohol.  Alcohol was amazing!  It took away all those bad thoughts about myself.  It allowed me to be social and free.  Alcohol led me to Marijuana.  Never enjoyed marijuana too much.  Marijuana was probably my enemy.  Not sure why I used it so much.  It did the opposite of what I was looking for.  It made the thoughts in my mind I was trying to escape from SO MUCH LOUDER!  Oh the thoughts it created and the insecurities it gave me.

Unfortunately, alcohol was just another demon.  It made me too loose.  Every major regret in my life came from drinking alcohol.  I learned I couldn't drink if I didn't want to end up in some strangers bed not sure how or what happened.

SO, where did that lead me?  Cocaine and heroin.  Oh, there couldn't be anything better in this life could there?  If only it didn't destroy a person.  Those were magic drugs!  HEROIN!  I love you heroin.  Yes, I love the way heroin makes me feel.  You know why?  Because heroin makes you NOT FEEL!  It was everything I had been searching for!  I finally found the answer.  Oh and cocaine, can't even get started on how amazing that feels, but of course without heroin to go with it you will get anxiety from hell.

Unfortunately, we are talking about drugs.  Drugs ruin lives and they ruined mine.   Nothing mattered except getting high.  Drowning the pain and running from myself.  Eventually, you have to wake up and you are you again.  Except, you are you with a lot more problems and damage.  Losing jobs, hurting family, losing a home, losing love.  Gosh, why do drugs have to ruin you?  If only they could really be the answer.



SO................ I got clean one day.  Yeah all that is history.   Lets fast forward.  I got off drugs, but what do you know?  I was still Kim.  I was still that dang freaking person I had been running from for years and years.  I was still Kim with body image issues and disordered eating.  I started working at Hogi Yogi.  At night time we could eat all the cookies we wanted.  They had awesome cookies.  I loved those cookies, but I didn't want the consequence of eating them.  So Bulimia arrived(hi bulimia, I remember you).  Bulimia made me more depressed than doing drugs.  Oh I was SO SO SO depressed.  So, I went to the doctor for depression and bulimia and he gave me prozac and xanax.  YEA!  Thank YOU DOCTOR FOR GIVING ME A DRUG THAT I CAN TAKE WITHOUT GUILT!  It was like the bells in heaven went off!  Bulimia was gone!  Depression was gone!  Xanax ran out and I remembered how lovely it felt to not be Kim with bulimia.  So I was back at it.  Sorry mom and dad, I know how much it hurt.  But maybe you can see why I did it?  Maybe not.

My lifestyle landed me pregnant though.  It often does right?  Heavenly Father had to have had a hand in this somewhere I'm certain.  My drug addict mind went from looking for a fix to "I'm pregnant?  Okay bye bye lifestyle".  My pregnancy took my appetite away.  I was cured!  No appetite, no desire for drugs.  Then I discovered counting calories and exercise.  I was cured!  It was the happiest time of my life!  I had no desire for bad foods, I could count calories like it aint no thing.  That's the beginning of the rest of my story...

Continue with the post The Ugly truth if you want my current day situation. 

LDS 12 step Recovery Meetings

I discovered these meetings when I was 19 years old. My boyfriends mom was attending them And trying to encourage my boyfriend to as well. When I recognized my life was spiraling out of control from the use of drugs I sought out these meetings.  

I've always had a strong belief in God and I've always felt that if any church were true that the LDS church felt right. Even in my darkest hours, I never questioned my faith. Finding peace and strength from these meetings wasn't hard, in fact, I loved every second. 

I love those people I met there. It has been hard ever since to get back into meetings without the original people I found sobriety with. If any of you ever come across this, I miss all of you. I don't remember any names, but sometimes I see faces on Facebook and I remember. I remember those times when I was 19 and broken. The people I met in meetings was the only people I had that knew how to relate with me. I miss you all. 

What is my purpose?

I have always wanted to do something good in my life. Something great! Something that would change someone or something. I've always wanted to be of help to somebody. I've also lived 30 years in fog. Never having a clear vision of what it is exactly I should be doing, or who I really am.  What is my passion exactly?

When I was younger I used to write stories. In fact, now that I say that, when I was younger I used to write stories. Weird. That's true. Such a very distant memory, so distant, was that truly in this life?
I wrote short stories. Sad stories In fact. I've always gloried in sadness. Often wishing sadness and heartache upon myself. Which is really strange because even though I have yet to suffer a physical ailment or loss. I would say that I have most definitely suffered extreme sadness and heartache. In my current days I am battling some depression that is trying to defeat me. Anyways, back to those days o wrote sad stories. I also used to write poetry. Always sad poetry of course. In high school I wrote a very sad poem about a girl who got pregnant at a young age. You can imagine my class and teacher's reaction when I read it aloud in class.  I had to then assure everyone the poem surely was not about me.

What happened to that girl that creatively wrote? Was it the last 15 years of addiction that destroyed me? Sounds about right.  Maybe that's what I still want to do with my life. Definitely an avenue worth exploring. A door worth reopening.