LDS 12 step Recovery Meetings

I discovered these meetings when I was 19 years old. My boyfriends mom was attending them And trying to encourage my boyfriend to as well. When I recognized my life was spiraling out of control from the use of drugs I sought out these meetings.  

I've always had a strong belief in God and I've always felt that if any church were true that the LDS church felt right. Even in my darkest hours, I never questioned my faith. Finding peace and strength from these meetings wasn't hard, in fact, I loved every second. 

I love those people I met there. It has been hard ever since to get back into meetings without the original people I found sobriety with. If any of you ever come across this, I miss all of you. I don't remember any names, but sometimes I see faces on Facebook and I remember. I remember those times when I was 19 and broken. The people I met in meetings was the only people I had that knew how to relate with me. I miss you all. 

What is my purpose?

I have always wanted to do something good in my life. Something great! Something that would change someone or something. I've always wanted to be of help to somebody. I've also lived 30 years in fog. Never having a clear vision of what it is exactly I should be doing, or who I really am.  What is my passion exactly?

When I was younger I used to write stories. In fact, now that I say that, when I was younger I used to write stories. Weird. That's true. Such a very distant memory, so distant, was that truly in this life?
I wrote short stories. Sad stories In fact. I've always gloried in sadness. Often wishing sadness and heartache upon myself. Which is really strange because even though I have yet to suffer a physical ailment or loss. I would say that I have most definitely suffered extreme sadness and heartache. In my current days I am battling some depression that is trying to defeat me. Anyways, back to those days o wrote sad stories. I also used to write poetry. Always sad poetry of course. In high school I wrote a very sad poem about a girl who got pregnant at a young age. You can imagine my class and teacher's reaction when I read it aloud in class.  I had to then assure everyone the poem surely was not about me.

What happened to that girl that creatively wrote? Was it the last 15 years of addiction that destroyed me? Sounds about right.  Maybe that's what I still want to do with my life. Definitely an avenue worth exploring. A door worth reopening.

Dear Mom

I spent my teenage years disappointing my mom time and time again.  I was a free spirit and didn't want to follow her rules. I was curious and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Now I am tormented by the pain I put her through. Still free spirited and still disappointing.  Only thing is, I am an adult now, she doesn't know what I do and she doesn't know she is disappointed.  But I do. I know that my actions would kill her.  I wake up every Sunday morning with this pressure to attend church so it will make her happy. Every time I drink coffee I feel so much guilt.  I lie to my kids about what it is that I'm drinking, afraid of them telling Grandma.  It's not her fault. She is just loving me and wants the best for me.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I don't live up to the life you want for me. But no matter how bad I feel for hurting you, I can't do it for you. I have to want it for me and until then I will live in pain.  I don't want to hurt you and I'm sorry.

Love,
Your daughter, the black sheep.

Different

I feel like I'm different than the average person. There is a gaping hole that eats me away inside. Day after day I struggle just to be alive, just live a normal happy life.  I don't know why life is so hard for me.  I sit here and I look around me and I have so much to be grateful for.  I have everything. I have a home, a loving husband, I have children, we have a job that pays our bills and a dog that I love.  Yet, I still have this hole, this void that torments me and brings me down.  I don't know what it is, why it possesses me and what it wants. I don't know how to fill it. I have a sensitive nature, I see people.  I see sadness. I can hardly verbalize what I'm trying to say, but there is something different about my spirit inside me.

I can empathize with the addicts that OD or the people that go on to take their lives.  I understand why Robin Williams did it. I understand why some people can never pull their lives together. I understand because I am one of them.  There is something different about us. A connection that goes deeper than this life.

I am an addict. I am a slave to my physical body. I feel so selfish and self absorbed.  I have people that love me, that count on me and I can't quit to save my life.

I thought age would heal me. I thought maturity was the answer to all my problems.  Now I am going on 30 and worse than ever.

God save me, because I can't.

I'M NOT PERFECT

Do you ever skim through all your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and feel like everyone must have a perfect life?  I do. In fact, I am one of those that feels really down after looking at social media.  I often feel like I'm the only one around town that must struggle.  So I've decided to share my life with the world.   Maybe someone, somewhere, will feel assured that they're not the only one. 

Celophane