Selfish

Sometimes I just want to be selfish.  A person would feel grateful and blessed to have family that loves them, right?  Yet, sometimes I wish I were alone in this world, I wish I were alone so my decisions wouldn't effect anyone.  I just want to  live my life running or not living life at all.  I have these three people who depend on me completely.  Instead of loving that thought, I despise it.  I hate that there are people directly effected by my choices. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so level headed.  Sure, I do live in "crazy" a lot, but I also have the sane part of me that pulls me back.  If I was 100% crazy I wouldn't be held accountable right? Shoot, I don't think it works like that either.

I am such a depressing person to be around.  Why can't I just climb into bed and be depressed?  Why can't I just cut my body up or ingest something to relieve me.  You might say "well, none of those things will bring happiness" and I will argue "not doing those things isn't bringing me happiness either, so I might as well escape the pain".

I'm a failure.  It has been the pattern through out my life so I don't know why any one is surprised.  Ugh... the pressure.  Too much pressure.  I'm flat out miserable right now ok. I'm miserable and as vain, selfish, and idiotic it may sound, "I'd rather be dead than be in my body right now."  I'm so sick of mortality.  You know that saying that says "we aren't humans being having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  Well, my spirit is having a crappy human experience and desires to go back to the realm I came from. I'm not fit for this earth.

UGH!!  AAAAAAAAA!!  I can't even express those thoughts to any one, no, because even my damn thoughts hurt people.


Here is my theme song.  The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, until I get there of course!

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast