Anxiety

It's this energy that exists inside me. Almost like my insides are going to explode or are shaking. It makes sitting uncomfortable, except the thought of doing anything feels impossible. It's the complete opposite of peace and contentment. It's feeling like I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. It's the feeling of wanting to scream, but not wanting to say anything at all.  

An Addict fell in a hole

I love this story. Can a fellow addict walk by the hole I'm stuck in and help me out please? 

AN ADDICT FELL IN A HOLE and couldn’t get out.

A businessman went by and the addict called out for help. The businessman threw him some money and told him to buy himself a ladder. But the addict could not buy a ladder in this hole he was in.

A doctor walked by. The addict said, “Help! I can’t get out!” The doctor gave him some drugs and said, “Take this. It will relieve the pain.” The addict said thanks, but when the pills ran out, he was still in the hole.

A well-known psychiatrist rode by and heard the addict’s cries for help. He stopped and asked, ” How did you get there? Were you born there? Did your parents put you there? Tell me about yourself, it will alleviate your sense of loneliness.” So the addict talked with him for an hour, then the psychiatrist had to leave, but he said he’d be back next week.

The addict thanked him, but he was still in the hole. A priest came by. The addict called for help. The priest gave him a Bible and said, “I’ll say a prayer for you.” He got down on his knees and prayed for the addict, then he left. The addict was very grateful, he read the Bible, but he was still stuck in the hole.

A recovering addict happened to be passing by. The addict cried out, “Hey, help me. I’m stuck in this hole!” Right away the recovering addict jumped down in the hole with him. The addict said, “What are you doing? Now we’re both stuck here!!” But the recovering addict said, “Calm down. It’s okay. I’ve been here before. I know how to get out.”

I love this!  This is definitely true for me.  I would say if you have interactions with me you would never guess that I'm a complete mess.  I feel bad that my blog comes across as so negative and depressing. It's my outlet to to express my inner deepest thoughts, the ones hat I don't share in person. Only those that read my blog will know that my sock is falling off and the elastic is ruined and needs replaced. 

Binge and Purge cycle

Once you become deep within the binge and purge cycle it starts to feel impossible to come out of.  I don't know how other bulimics cycles are, but let me paint a picture.

It usually begins because I feel like over eating and/or eating something that is on my forbidden food list.  Maybe I wake up one morning feeling extra hungry and I eat a bowl of cereal.  After my bowl I still feel hungry so maybe I'll eat a second bowl or a piece of toast.  "What kind of person eats two bowls of cereal" runs through my mind.  The extreme, debilitating guilt begins to sink in.  I can't possibly sit with what I've just done.  Sometimes before throwing up I may plan to just throw up enough to account for the second bowl.  Except, I remember that I have probably already absorbed more than the first bowl and the only way I can think to get out of this is by getting rid of all of it.  The relief comes and I feel better about myself now.  It's okay I tell myself.  I will make better decisions at lunch time.

Then, the period of time between breakfast and lunch creeps up.  I was starving when I woke up and even though I may have absorbed some of the calories and sugars of the food I ate, I have no fiber or substance in my belly.  As far as my body is concerned I haven't eaten yet.  So hunger sets in quite quickly.  

Eleven o'clock rolls around.  I'm starving physically and mentally.  At this point the cycle starts to begin.  I either eat something knowing I'll just throw it up or I go into the meal with good intent to keep it down.  If the second option is the one that occurs, I usually eat lunch with the best intentions.  I may even eat something healthy like a salad. Problem is my sweet tooth (that is an addiction all in itself).  As soon as I eat a food I usually crave a sweet after.  So I eat my salad and maybe a Popsicle.  Maybe I crave an ice cream or some pieces of candy.  Either way, the morning starts to haunt me.

  "What if I absorbed all the calories of those two bowls of cereal and now I just ate a big salad and a treat". 

 "What if I've already consumed a 1000 calories or more?"  

"If I want to lose weight I can only have 1300 calories".

  "I will definitely eat more than that at this point."

 " I must rid myself of the calories I just consumed."

  My body feels full and disgusting.  There's a feeling in my gut, a feeling that is familiar.  It's the feeling of fullness.  I don't like it.  I want to feel empty again.  I want to feel light. 

You get what comes next?  So what now?  I've now ridden myself of all the fiber and bulk of breakfast and lunch.  My belly is empty, my physical part of me feels better.  Except the hunger still haunts me.  My stomach is hungry, but my mind is being consumed and haunted by the thoughts.  Now I am thinking 

"shit, I've now possibly absorbed a 1000 calories, yet I'm still hungry".

So I eat again.  Maybe I eat something small, maybe I eat another lunch again with intentions of finally just keeping it down.  As you can probably guess, the rest of my day continues in this cycle until I can finally go to sleep.

The problem is, I am now in a cycle.  I wake up the next day still with guilt from the day before and the unknown amount of calories that I may have absorbed.  I'm hungry.  My body feels yucky to me, yucky to look at and yucky to touch.  The hunger.. the day repeats itself.

This is my binge and purge cycle and the only way to break it is to FINALLY accept my hunger and fullness.  I must accept that I'm hungry and my body wants food and if I over eat then oh well.  It's the only way.  Until I can give my body some nutrition.

The problem with purging and absorbing calories, yet still getting rid of the bulk.  Nutrients are absorbed in our intestines.  If I never let my food get to my intestines I become malnourished.  Nutrients feed our bodies and our minds.

I need those nutrients :(  I need out.

Dear husband

If I died today I'm afraid of the memories I might leave you with. I'm afraid that no one sees me, that my actions over power who I truly am. I promise my heart is good. I have love and a big heart that is masked by an ill mind. Our kids have been robbed of their mom. I can easily fall into thinking they would be better off without me. I feel like every day causes more damage to their Innocent souls. They too would be left with memories that aren't pleasant. 

My dear husband, if only you knew 10 years ago what you were marrying. I'm sorry.... I'm so....so...sorry.  I know those words feel empty.  If you could see me, like really see me, you would understand..

Stress

Why can't I seem to handle stress? Specifically financial stress. I feel like a heavy weight come over my body and it makes me feel like I'm drowning. The feeling is so heavy I hardly feel like I can continue breathing. But why? So what if we are in debt? What if we are late on a payment? What if we spend all our money before payday? We aren't going to die. We aren't going to be out on the streets. Everything is just fine.  I need to remind myself these things. It's going to be ok.