Binge and Purge cycle

Once you become deep within the binge and purge cycle it starts to feel impossible to come out of.  I don't know how other bulimics cycles are, but let me paint a picture.

It usually begins because I feel like over eating and/or eating something that is on my forbidden food list.  Maybe I wake up one morning feeling extra hungry and I eat a bowl of cereal.  After my bowl I still feel hungry so maybe I'll eat a second bowl or a piece of toast.  "What kind of person eats two bowls of cereal" runs through my mind.  The extreme, debilitating guilt begins to sink in.  I can't possibly sit with what I've just done.  Sometimes before throwing up I may plan to just throw up enough to account for the second bowl.  Except, I remember that I have probably already absorbed more than the first bowl and the only way I can think to get out of this is by getting rid of all of it.  The relief comes and I feel better about myself now.  It's okay I tell myself.  I will make better decisions at lunch time.

Then, the period of time between breakfast and lunch creeps up.  I was starving when I woke up and even though I may have absorbed some of the calories and sugars of the food I ate, I have no fiber or substance in my belly.  As far as my body is concerned I haven't eaten yet.  So hunger sets in quite quickly.  

Eleven o'clock rolls around.  I'm starving physically and mentally.  At this point the cycle starts to begin.  I either eat something knowing I'll just throw it up or I go into the meal with good intent to keep it down.  If the second option is the one that occurs, I usually eat lunch with the best intentions.  I may even eat something healthy like a salad. Problem is my sweet tooth (that is an addiction all in itself).  As soon as I eat a food I usually crave a sweet after.  So I eat my salad and maybe a Popsicle.  Maybe I crave an ice cream or some pieces of candy.  Either way, the morning starts to haunt me.

  "What if I absorbed all the calories of those two bowls of cereal and now I just ate a big salad and a treat". 

 "What if I've already consumed a 1000 calories or more?"  

"If I want to lose weight I can only have 1300 calories".

  "I will definitely eat more than that at this point."

 " I must rid myself of the calories I just consumed."

  My body feels full and disgusting.  There's a feeling in my gut, a feeling that is familiar.  It's the feeling of fullness.  I don't like it.  I want to feel empty again.  I want to feel light. 

You get what comes next?  So what now?  I've now ridden myself of all the fiber and bulk of breakfast and lunch.  My belly is empty, my physical part of me feels better.  Except the hunger still haunts me.  My stomach is hungry, but my mind is being consumed and haunted by the thoughts.  Now I am thinking 

"shit, I've now possibly absorbed a 1000 calories, yet I'm still hungry".

So I eat again.  Maybe I eat something small, maybe I eat another lunch again with intentions of finally just keeping it down.  As you can probably guess, the rest of my day continues in this cycle until I can finally go to sleep.

The problem is, I am now in a cycle.  I wake up the next day still with guilt from the day before and the unknown amount of calories that I may have absorbed.  I'm hungry.  My body feels yucky to me, yucky to look at and yucky to touch.  The hunger.. the day repeats itself.

This is my binge and purge cycle and the only way to break it is to FINALLY accept my hunger and fullness.  I must accept that I'm hungry and my body wants food and if I over eat then oh well.  It's the only way.  Until I can give my body some nutrition.

The problem with purging and absorbing calories, yet still getting rid of the bulk.  Nutrients are absorbed in our intestines.  If I never let my food get to my intestines I become malnourished.  Nutrients feed our bodies and our minds.

I need those nutrients :(  I need out.