I feel angry towards you today. Not because you've done anything, but my thoughts are reflective towards the 3 years I've lived close to you.
You were 13 years old when I was born. You were my closest sister in age and by the time I was 8 years old I already had a niece. I see how you don't feel close to me. You were pretty much checked out of family life by the time I arrived.
That didn't mean anything for me though. You were still my big sister and someone I looked up to and have wanted a relationship with my whole life. You moved an hour and a half away from us as soon as you had your first baby. Your girls, my nieces, were the best. I have such good memories of you and me with your three little girls.
Unfortunately, I began to age and My teenage years robbed the relationship I did have with my nieces.
You were still there for me though when I went through hard times. I spent lots of time at your house and with your family.
I remember after I got married and the hours we would chat on the phone. I even called you on my honeymoon to let you know I got my first varicose vein. I feel like we grew closer after I had kids and I matured.
Then, it happened. My husband and I had the opportunity to live close to you. I couldn't have been more excited! Excited to own a house for the first time or excited to be out of southern utahs heat? Was I excited to live in a higher crime and small town? Of course not, none of those were the smallest of motivation. My excitement came because it meant living close to you. So close In fact, we would only be 3 miles and 5 minutes from each other.
About this same time, my depression and mental illness attacked me full throttle. Unfortunately, you also were attacked with physical ailments. We don't even see each other. I see you as often as my brothers that live over an hour away. Because I only see you if there is a family gathering. Maybe you are hurt by me, maybe I didn't serve you in your time of need. The same way I feel about you not being there for me.
Today after a situation, I am reminded of the hurt I feel. I feel hurt and because I don't want to feel hurt, I feel angry.
I want a sister. I want a friend. For once in 23 years I live close to a sister. Nothing hurts worse than her not calling or caring about you. I feel uncared about. I feel lonely. I want to blame you. It's not all your fault, but it's easier to put the blame on you. It hurts sis, it really really hurts.
Probably the most painful part is the possibility that maybe you don't call me because you don't like me. You shouldn't have to. If we weren't sisters I am probably not a person you would associate with. Then, more pain settles in. How can I blame you for not enjoying me. I'm coming to the acceptance that I'm not an enjoyable person. I actually thought recently that I don't think any of my siblings like me. I don't think people enjoy being around me.
It's a lonely life.
