Afraid

I'm afraid I'm losing him.  He is tired, I am tired. He doesn't understand and I don't understand. We aren't happy. It's not that we aren't happy with each other, but this never ending pattern of depression is making both of us unhappy. I feel very stuck. As if there is no way out. I am scared, I love him. I love him and I'm making him not love me. 

I see darkness. I'm in a tunnel and im not sure which direction to go because there is no light at either end. 

I'm losing. I'm losing life, I'm losing love, I'm losing hope. I'm sinking ever so deep into a dark abyss.  

I love you Chaz, Haley, Nixon and Matix. 

Skyscraper

Human

Man In the Glass

I'll never forget the moment I first read this poem. The details are unimportant, but it was profound and still is. 

The Face In The Glass
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that face has to say

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass,
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you’re a straight-shootin’ chum
And call you a great gal or guy,
But the face in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look it straight in the eye.

That’s the one you must please, never mind all the rest,
That’s the one with you clear to the end,
And you know you have passed your most dangerous test
If the face in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the face in the glass.

-Dale Wimbrow

Is it just me?

Am I alone in feeling that my husband doesn't love me? Occasionally he will show some sort of act of love, but other times I feel oh so very alone. 

Then, of course I begin to turn it on myself. Why would he love me? I'm a crazy, psychotic mess!! BUT....  That same crazy psychotic mess does his laundry, his dishes, makes his meals, irons his shirts, would drive somewhere if he needed me to. So am I really that unloveable? 

Why do I feel so unappreciated? I feel so put down. Not because of things he does, but it's the things he doesn't do.  

Feeling extra lonely in love tonight... 

Sobriety

Why does sobriety have to SUCK SO BAD in the beginning? It feels like I'd rather die than keep being sober, like being sober is the most boring, mundane life ever! But why? It feels like it's going to last forever 

Spirituality

February 24

Spirituality has always been a hard thing for me to separate since growing up with such a strong religious background.  I always viewed spirituality with righteousness.  Learning to separate the two is difficult and definitely takes some soul searching. 

The first view I have about spirituality is the ability to be in touch with my inner self.  My soul so to speak.  I feel like my spirituality is the ability to be in tune and congruent with me.  I also feel spirituality as being a connection. A connection to other souls, persons, and God.  I find spirituality in nature and plants.  I often feel like I am a very spiritual person in the way that I can feel others.  I can see others.  I can feel and see their spiritual selves.  I feel very connected spiritually to people, animals and plants.  I believe that all living things have a spirit and we have the ability to access that connection.  

I find the time I feel most spiritually connected is while gardening.  While transplanting my plants in the ground and giving them their final resting place I feel a sense of connection to that plant.  

I recognize the two opposite forces within me and I know there is one that wants success, happiness, and fulfillment and the other wants me to fail and be miserable.  I believe that people can be connected in a spiritual way.  My first real love in life began when I was 15 years old.  I always felt a spiritual connection to him.  There are times that the thought of him just consumes my mind and I often wonder if it’s because he is thinking of me too.  I believe that our spirits can feel each other no matter the distance.  

I also believe that there is a destiny.  I believe that our life’s course is predetermined.  Even though that feels like that means we have no choice, for some reason I understand it.  I believe our God knew every decision we would make and because he knew that, the course became predestined.  It’s a very hard concept to explain to people and most people think I’m a little nuts trying to explain it.  But that’s okay because somehow I just get it and it what feels right to me.  I believe that God is merciful. I believe that all of our brains handle life’s situations differently and because of that our judgement is far beyond just our actions.  I believe he knows our hearts, our motives, our histories, our desires.  

I believe in afterlife.  I believe there are spirits around us all the time and I feel like I have the ability to communicate to them whether it’s direct or God’s the messenger of what I want to say.  I believe those that we love that pass on are never too far.  I believe they are near and often cheering us on.  I believe in Love that surpasses this life.  I believe we are all connected through our spirits and love.  I believe every moment we experience happened for an eternal reason.  I even believe my eating disorder and addictions we laid out for me.  They are my trial and through them will give me to grow to be the person that I was destined to be.  I believe that growth can only happen through challenges and some of us can only become what we are meant to become through our specific challenges.